Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
