My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
