I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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