im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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