omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
