gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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