OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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