dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
