I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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