Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
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You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
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There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate