In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
