Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
well you can't waste a boner
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
