I could have mohawked her pubes.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
