I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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