I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
false alarm, still single
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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