Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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