The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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