Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
