I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
