if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
