3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
