i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
