Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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