at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
