I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
