I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
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Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
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I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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