In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Everyone says I win the strip club
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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