Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
