Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
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It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
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we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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