I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
