please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
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They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
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lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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