So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
