i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
