Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
