i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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