So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
