Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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