I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
