sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
