my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
