Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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