She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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