i need an iv and a liver transplant
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
