you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Is Oprah even human
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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