It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
