I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
