She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
