Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
