Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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