you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
