i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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