He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
