I accidentally burped into my bong.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
