Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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