he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
