This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
