Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
