My liver just broke up with me...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
