nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
