i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
