dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Houston, we have a blender
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
