I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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