had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
